Love and Anxiety

This quote began to bother me the more I looked at it. I am battling anxiety and the past couple of months has felt like a losing battle. I am deeply in love with the most amazing and understanding man I have ever met. However, I still have to fight the demons everyday. His unconditional love for me doesn't silence them. What his love does is it supports me through everything. He's there for me when I call him crying for no reason at all. He holds me tight when life feels like it's closing in on me. He puts my favorite TV show on when he knows I need to silence my racing thoughts. He knows that he can't fix it, and sometimes he really wants to, but it's more complicated than that.This quote romanticizes someone's struggles and makes you believe that if the right person walks into your life all those struggles will just disappear. I wish it worked that way, but it doesn't. When someone loves you the pain doesn't just disappear. The person you are in love with doesn't erase everything you have experienced. They support you through it. They are understanding and patient. They do what they can to make it easier and accept when they can't. I don't want people to think that the second they fall in love all of their internal battles disappear. That isn't how it works. Whether you are in love or not it will be a constant battle. Your partner will never be able to silence the demons, but they will be there to support you as you fight them. Most of the time their love and support will give you the courage to continue that fight, though. When you have someone who cares you will want to keep fighting through your struggles. But, always remember that the fight is within you, not the person who loves you.

How We Met

My brother and sister-in-law were finally getting married after a 3-year engagement.  I had been working a residential job at a local state college all summer and was able to leave for two days to attend the wedding (I was in the wedding party, so it was pretty important that I be there).  The entire day was spent getting ready for the big moment. Joe and my brother are in the National Guard together and went to high school together. They went to a nearby tech school, so even though my brother and him have known each other for years I had never seen him before. During the reception my very drunk brother, and some of Joe’s army friends, thought it would be a good idea to encourage Joe to talk to me. Now this is where I should say that I am incredibly awkward around people (I really don’t understand why he continued to talk to me to be honest). When he came up to me and introduced himself I had no idea what to do. I ended up awkwardly walking away from him at some point (really, I don’t know why he kept trying!). We continued to gravitate towards each other throughout the night, and ended up dancing and talking during most of the reception. He came to the after reception party at my brother’s house, and we were inseparable the rest of the night, that is until I had to go to bed and make sure my inebriated little sister didn’t hurt herself trying to get upstairs. We exchanged numbers, and when I left for work the next morning he promised he would call me. We talked on the phone a lot during my last week of work, and when I was finally home for the summer we went on our first date. We’ve been inseparable ever since. He’s my best friend and I love him more than anyone else in the world. I can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us, and I’m thankful everyday that he didn’t give up on this socially awkward human being and took the plunge to say hi.

An Open Letter to the Boys Who Wouldn’t Give Me a Chance

To My Junior Prom Date:

Thank you for not giving me a chance. It was painful at first, but you taught me so many lessons. You taught me that a relationship couldn’t be built upon 3 hour-long conversations over Facebook. You taught me that a boy isn’t worth it if he isn’t willing to talk to you in person, or show you off to his friends. Thank you for teaching me that waiting over a year for the boy to come around is never a good Idea. Thank you for teaching me that I deserve someone who thinks that I am incredible the way I am and deserve someone who wants to spend time with me. I will never forget how happy I was when you would talk to me, but I will also always remember that you taught me a relationship needs more than a virtual conversation where you can hide behind a screen.

To The boy who kissed me on a warm May night and never spoke to me again:

Thank you for not giving me a chance. You taught me that it’s okay to leave my comfort zone, and to be wild and reckless. I never expected anything to come from that night, and now that I look back I’m okay with that. I needed to focus on leaving for school. Thank you for giving me a night of fun and rebellion, and then forgetting about me. You made it so I had no ties to my hometown, and I could go off to school and fully enjoy it.

To the boy I met on the first weekend of college:

Thank you for not giving me a chance. You taught me that boys are not everything. Thank you for choosing my best friend’s roommate over me.  You taught me that making friends and establishing strong friendships is the most important part of your first year at college.  I have the most amazing best friends in the world, and so many memories with them now. Thank you for showing me where me priorities should lie. Thank you for preventing me from becoming boy crazy in my first year of college. Thank you for not choosing me. My friendships are stronger because of it.

To the boy that would walk in and out of my life for 3 years:

Thank you for not giving me a chance. You taught me the most out of all the boys who never gave me a chance. You taught me that sometimes people just couldn’t stick around. You taught me that I should never come second to anyone. When you would walk out and not talk to me for months you made me feel like shit. You were really good at making me feel like the most special girl in the world, for a little while at least. Now, I see that you were just lonely and needed someone. Thank you for teaching me that I need to wait for someone who wants me for me, not because they are lonely. Thank you for teaching me that I should never be someone’s second choice when it comes to love. You taught me that above anything else I needed to respect and love myself enough to walk away from a toxic thing.

To the Man who loves me:

Thank you for GIVING me a chance. You make me the happiest I have ever been in my life. You have shown me why it didn’t work out with any of the aforementioned boys above. It was never supposed to work out with any of them, because it was always supposed to work out with you. You have loved me even though I don’t always feel like I should be loved. You think I am beautiful in anything, even yoga pants and a messy bun. You hold me tight when I am stressed, and just the sound of your voice can soothe me. You are there for me whenever I need you, and are always ready to hold me when I cry. You comfort me and always make sure that I know I am loved. You are constantly rooting me on, and are proud of me every time I get that ‘A’ I worked so hard for. You let me geek out and have never judged my love for Harry Potter, penguins, books, and pink. You let me yell at the TV even though the characters aren’t real and no one can hear me. You are playful, and think that my cackle is hilarious. You have taught me that I should never be insecure about myself. You push me to speak up for myself, and make decisions. You push me to stop caring about what others around me think and just do what makes me happy. You have helped me become a happier, more confident me. You support me in everything I do. I am grateful for you every day of my life. I am so glad that I met you, and I thank the universe everyday that you chose me. You taught me what love really looks like. I love you more than anyone could ever know. Thank you for being the most amazing person in the world, loving me unconditionally, and choosing me.